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1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

This is a horrible question and I don’t know how to answer it. I think, and I probably have done it before, but it was never as meaningful to me as it was this time, that I fell in love with someone the first time I met them, practically before they had spoken. That we had a charming date which hadn’t begun as a date, enjoying conversation, drinks, chemistry until the very end, making out - perfectly - against the side of my car on Exposition. And then failing to see each other ever again following a string of perpetually more, and more dispiriting text messages. His name was Dylan. He may come up again here. BUT the point is that, rather than simply being an event, it was also an EVENT. A reawakening. It’s not an overstatement to say that I was in love. What is really, really unusual about that is that I genuinely felt before him that I was done with the ability to love, that it was outside of my peculiar set of emotional availabilities. That I would never really love someone again. The first song I heard on the radio after I got in the car from making out with him was “Hallelujah” by Panic! At the Disco. I hadn’t heard it before (or since, tellingly, on the radio, except, obviously I bought it on iTunes). Check it out.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

What’s a new year’s resolution? Also, no, no, I didn’t. This year is a little different. Things are building. As in I’m doing the work.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One very important person to me got knocked up. Another wife of an important person to me got knocked up. Births forthcoming.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

There were a couple of deaths in 2015 that punched me in the gut. I wasn’t particularly close to either person who died, rather I was a friend of or close to a friend or lover of the deceased.

Chris: the best friend of my friend Ian in Brooklyn. I had worked with Ian at MoSEX, and he was an alum of NonFic at New School, and we were pretty solid drinking buddies and Twitter retweeters and whatever. He found his best friend/roommate dead in bed in June (I think on the 24th, which I’ll talk about later). I still don’t know the story. I know that Chris’ mom (who lives in Jersey) got to the apartment before the coroner, so there was a long time alone in an apartment with the inexplicably deceased body of a soul-mate-level person. This reminded me in many ways of Sarah’s sudden death from 2012, and I wished immediately that I could have been there and just like kept my hands over Ian’s eyes for the duration.

Eric: the husband and best friend of my friend Tony in Chicago. This one I can’t really talk about what it feels like. I love Tony. I hadn’t met Eric. They’d had a long couple of years of first Eric announcing a desire to move out and divorce, Tony trying to grieve a relationship and move on physically and sexually and emotionally, followed by a brain cancer diagnosis that explained why after 20+ years (they got together in college!!!) his husband had turned on him. And then having to forgive himself for. And take care of. And then. It’s really too much for one person. Eric passed in December, before Christmas. Tony seems to be doing ok. We text everyday.

5. What countries did you visit?

‘Murica. Also, America, a couple of times. But mostly I was stuck in ‘Murica.

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

Financial stability.

7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 24. The day Ian’s friend died.

August 3. The day I started the best job I ever had - in Dallas.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I got a job. I work for Nerium International Corporate. Nerium is an MLM/Relationship Marketing company that hawks a controversial anti-aging cream. I can’t really go into that because I try not to think about it too much. It was a rough start as a job. I am a receptionist/admin person, which is an historically female profession so for the first few weeks it was either: the men walking through ignored me completely, or looked at me aghast as if to say your vagina is not big enough. But that settled through, or was mostly in my mind, and I’ve become a fixture - a contested fixture even: several teams in marketing and sales intend to poach me as soon as possible (I have one month more to go before I’m eligible to change jobs in house, and I’m going to, almost the moment possible). I’ll go to another position not because I dislike my current role, but because I could make a shit ton more money in another role. And remember financial stability? Yeah, I want it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Living in a house with a roommate, working freelance, working in the service industry. I learned a lot from these things, but in the end, I’m back in my sister’s dining room. Though she had doors installed for me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Stress related candida/yeast battles, the kind I was supposed to be done with after I got my tonsils out and stopped taking antibiotics constantly. But starting actually in August 2014 having some pretty sweet sex with someone I was seeing with whom I should have been using condoms, but wasn’t (and fortunately didn’t catch anything else from), my dick has basically been a non-stop yeast factory, which successfully prevented me from having a typically slutty 2015. I’m not even sure I fully remember what actual sex is like now. LOL

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Clothes. And a good work lamp. Also a bottle of Veuve Clicquot for New Year’s. That was a good ass bottle.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Tony and Ian, two people who have very different lives, but have actually met once, and their ways through their respective griefs have left me awed and honored to know them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The internet. White people. Neo-cons. Neo-libs. The offense brigade. Everyone. Everyone.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To creditors, and also K&G men’s superstore, and Kohl’s. I bought a lot of clothes this past fall.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

No.

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?

“Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier.

ii. thinner or fatter?

Thinner. Which doesn’t weigh, but is in the fit of my clothes and the look of my face. I’ve lost maybe 15 pounds over the course of the last six months, but my clothes size has changed from pushing 40” waists to almost almost 34” waists. I have learned that upsizing to 2x shirts is my way forward though LOL

iii. richer or poorer?

I don’t know how to answer this. Make more money, owe more money. Fuck money. I really just want a fat windfall.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Sex, but then, I couldn’t really so.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I’d say drinking, but I actually feel that I drank a fully appropriate amount most of the time. And much, much less once I moved back into my sister’s house.

20. How did you spend the holidays?

I went to my mom in Pensacola for Thanksgiving and had venison lasagna, and tried rabbit, and did not touch turkey and had lots of weird white trashy dishes like onion pie and it was good.
Christmas was awful. Just the worst. Christmas eve had Lloyd and Megan and Lloyd’s sister and

Lloyd’s girlfriend (and my dental hygienist Monica and her awful African boyfriend) over to marathon the original trilogy Star Wars. I got fucking wasted because of Monica’s boyfriend and passed out halfway through A New Hope, which everyone else finished and then left the house (and all the lights on) and I woke up at 2:00 AM to an empty bright hell.

Christmas Day went to see The Force Awakens with Lloyd(‘s sister & gf) and it was ok. But then I was in a terrible mood from The Force Awakensover of it all, and went home and cried a lot. Like a lot.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Girlfriends Guide to Divorce, Casual, You’re the Worst, Horrible People, Grey’s Anatomy, Game of Thrones, Supergirl, Flip or Flop, Property Brothers, Chopped, Daredevil, Jessica Jones

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Yes and no. Several friend relationships went sideways on me last year in really inexplicable ways, but I think they’re being worked out? Whatever, grains of salt all around.

25. What was the best book you read?

Horns by Joe Hill. The Scarlet Gospels by Clive Barker. She-Hulk by Charles Soule & Javier Pulido.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Tie: Future Islands, which have been around for a while; Chris Stapleton, who I guess has also been around forever.

FI’s lean, retro, pop-rock is from heaven. CS’s lean, retro, blues-country is from hell. Both are angelic.

27. What did you want and get?

A job I don’t hate.

28. What did you want and not get?

A lover.

29. What was your favorite film this year?

Movies are just not what they used to be. I can’t remember them as well after seeing them. Recent things that made me pretty happy: Tangerine, Mala Mala, Eastern Boys, Ant-Man, What Happened, Miss Simone?, Amy

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

No memory of this occasion.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Physical love. So lame.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

Off-work: asymmetrical retro-futurism. Or as my friend described my favorite hoodie: “Your sith lord cape.”

On-work: dapper as fuck.

33. What kept you sane?

Weekly Geeks Who Drink Trivia at the Alamo Drafthouse. They kept me from hermitizing myself completely and forgetting how to socialize with the straights.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Stephen Colbert and Jennifer Lawrence

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Domestic terrorism.

36. Who did you miss?

Amie in Brooklyn. Mila in Ohio. Tony in Chicago. The Faienzas in Pescara.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I work with this delightful person named Sandra who is so effusive and genuine that she just makes me happy.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.

That I can do it. But that there are caveats. If I tell someone I’m working on something (god, how many times have I thought I’d learned this lesson before? Just, ugh), it dies. Like, I can say “I’m working on a novel.” That’s fine. Questions like: “How much have you written? Is it going well?” are fine. Questions like: “What’s it called? What’s it about?” lead to the end of days.
NO MORE, JAMES. NO MORE.

39. Quote a song that sums up your year:

“I had a one way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don't change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you're taught to cry into your pillow
But I survived
I'm still breathing…
I'm alive…”
“Alive” - Sia
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I cut my own hairs.
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I am a multifaceted creative professional with a comic soon to be digitally distributed via by the curated website and App, Comixology.
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I am a surrogate dog father with the hairs in my sheets to prove it.
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Here's my deal: here it is: you're gonna hate it: I hate it: I want to be wrong: I don't think I am: this is an unkind thing to say: and I don't want to draw a specific line between Robin Williams and what I'm going to draw a specific line to: but you can't stop me: I have to draw that line: because maybe it can influence a conversation: and here it is: if this man had taken a movie theater or a school full of children with him on his way out of this life, then we'd know exactly how selfish and cowardly he was. Him being alone in a house, well dressed, going "quietly" doesn't make it any fucking sadder than the death of a broken piece of shit that commits mass murder in this country. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH HOW WE TALK ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS. We looked up to this man. We looked ALL THE WAY UP TO HIM. AND HE KILLED HIMSELF. FUCK HIM. Oh, but he didn't take a busload with him in the loop of his belt so it's sad instead of fucked up and horrible. FUUUUUUUCK. I told you you wouldn't like it. I'm not wrong. I'm sorry. Suicide is some selfish bullshit. Depression is not. Depression is a metric ton of pain on your head telling you that suicide is the only way out. And we don't know how many people might emulate his death. See themselves in his eyes and figure if he couldn't, then I can't, then I won't. FUCK MAN. GET HELP. GET OUTSIDE YOURSELF. Don't believe in god? COOL. Believe in your mother or best friend or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Need to do self-harm, cool, that's fucked up man, but you already know your fucked up. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? RIGHT? I fucking hope so. Because what does kill you makes you deader, and that ain't shit. You're cooler than that, man. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

FUCK ROBIN WILLIAMS and fuck everyone who ever killed anyone including themselves. FUCK.

#writtenforfacebookontopofahuffpostarticleabouthowsuicideisntselfishwhichtheheadlinealoneincensedmeandanywayimobviouslyhavingsomekindofepisodeandishouldprobablyjustgotobeduntilitpasses
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Need Help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
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1: What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
2013 was kind of a rinse and repeat year. I don't know if I've ever felt in my life a year where all I did - my whole life's mission - was to keep my head above water. Just treading in the middle of a vast, existential ocean of "I think I've been here before."

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I definitely try not to make new year's resolutions, and if I do make them, I try not to keep them. Instead, rather than party hardy on new year's eve, I try to live by the adage that how you spend new year's eve is how you will spend the rest of the year; true to form, I wrote across midnight last year, and I spent much of the year working on and thinking about that project which has now become my graduate thesis project.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
[Answer redacted]

4: Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year...

5: What countries did you visit?
Texas.

6: What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013
Resources; the beginning of a full-time, life-long actual, honest-to-god, please pay me something for doing the work that I love, career.

7: What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 12, which was the date I committed to my thesis advisor and decided to buck the prose trend at my MFA program; graphic novel thesis project, here we go.

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Ascending to Prose Editor of my MFA program's literary journal while still in the program (editorial is almost always alumni).

9: What was your biggest failure?
Choosing to give up my job and go through the fall semester unemployed. It was fine for a couple of months, but that was all the money that I had, and then it was not fine.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was in bed for a week in January. In December I went deaf in my left ear from an ear infection. Hearing is somewhat returned...

11: What was the best thing you bought?
iPad.

12: Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My roommate and dear friend Amie Wilensky for moving forward from the wreckage of her 2012 by rising through the job ranks to now having her official highest salary of all time.

13: Whose behaviour made you appalled?
The admissions staff and instructors of my MFA program. The former for consistently showing that $$$ are equivalent to "talent". The latter for either caring too little, too much, or too blah - resulting in a genuinely schizophrenic matriculating environment where the standards and practices are anything but.

14: Where did most of your money go?
Grad school; rent; booze. In that order.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Pacific Rim ... and that's pretty sad ...

16: What song will always remind you of 2013?
The Miley two-fer: "We Can't Stop" and "Wrecking Ball"

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
Sadder, fatter, poorer.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise; creative work.

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?
Masturbation; retail therapy.

20: How did you spend Christmas?
Watching the 4th season of The O.C. that I borrowed from a schoolmate.

21: Did you fall in love in 2013?
A little bit, with a straight guy in the early part of the year; with a pair of insane gay boys in the fall.

22: What was your favourite TV program?
Arrow and Teen Wolf, give me scruffy half-naked guys and I'm pretty fuckin' happy.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
A certain author/teacher who gave me a fucking A- because of the aforementioned lack of standards and practices.

24: What was the best book you read?
Solaris by Stansilaw Lem

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?
City and Colour, which I'd heard of, but not loved until I fell in love with their new album not for what it meant to the person who recommended their previous albums to me, but for what it meant to me. For example, the song "Harder than Stone" breaks me down every time I hear it. Runner up: Calvin Harris' 18 Months which is a fantastic dance record.

26: What did you want and get?
iPad.

27: What did you want and not get?
Lots and lots of money.

28: What was your favourite film of this year?
Much Ado About Nothing and also because I just now saw it Silver Linings Playbook

29: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
LIT magazine and personally rejecting literally hundreds of short stories. Sure, it's kind of shitty, but it's also incredibly satisfying - especially because generally, I'm not rejecting them for being bad (ok, a lot of them, I am) but mostly I'm rejecting them for not being right for the magazine - to know that whenever I get rejected it's not necessarily a case of quality, but of need.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
"Is this clean? How long has it been since I washed these jeans? Does this fit?"

31: What kept you sane?
Therapy?

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Brian Boitano.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?
Russia's hatred of the gheys.

34: Who did you miss?
My daddy. Sarah Moorehead. My friends in Dallas. My friends in San Francisco. My friends in Boston.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
I don't know. Valuable life lessons are dime a dozen, right? Keep trying? The only way out is through, and you can only succeed if you're trying? IDK.

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I don't mean to be a bother,
I don't need you to take my burden away,
and I ain't afraid of dyin' cold and alone
when my time comes, when I was young I didn't know too much,
I thought that I could rule world,
but then I grew up and found out life was hard,
harder than stone."

- City and Colour, "Harder Than Stone"
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31,886 words into the rewrite/revision/retype; current pace compared to previous version has me topping out somewhere around 57,000 for this draft ... I typed out 10,000 yesterday and made some good clarity/continuity changes, I think. The prose is pretty strong in the original draft - what's funny about that is that as I'm going through I'm definitely spending more time on the strong prose i.e. making it strong, whereas with the weaker prose I'm mostly typing through. That's not going to come alive for me I don't think until I take red ink to and also depending on if there are subplots I later decide to excise. Again, I'm pretty sure my proxy in the book is going away, such a weird thing to think of doing, but he's really pretty useless. Also, all the interstellar door store stuff, which there is much much less of than I remember. Also, I need to find a way, if I do cut my proxy, to loop Ogden/Ferguson's proxy into the supernatural narrative somehow. Marc/Elaine & Bill's stories are wildly different but dovetail into a pretty strongly bound metaphysical world, whereas Paul/Ogden's does not. This concern about the supernatural/metaphysical compatibility of the storylines derives from a note from my writer's group: why is this a novel? why do these people belong in the same book? I find the question a bit simplistic, and my gut reaction is to say "Because I say so," but I agree that I need a better answer than that. Of course, the selection they saw didn't have any demon babies or shark fetishising (which I also may need to loop in sooner, though the structure of this draft is without hyperbole, astonishingly different, and I don't even think I realize how much sooner some of those things are introduced in this draft).

I'm trying to finish this draft before I go home to Texas for the upcoming weekend with my nephew. The plan then is to get back from TX on the 12th and start a heavy line-edit top to bottom before the semester begins on the 26th then to re-type that in time to submit it as my first submission of the semester. THEN I will hunker down in earnest on Elegant Battle Face Teenagers. The plan/goal for that is, roughly, to complete a draft by my birthday. Then a heavy, heavy line-edit of EBFT by Halloween and HOPEFULLY a submission-worthy draft by winter break.

I'm scheduling myself like a mad person this fall in regards to what I expect to get done for myself writing-wise. Like, 9 to 5 expectations of how much work to get done. So while these two books are the top of the heap right now - and I'm allowing for shifting priorities - I expect to get done at least one other long manuscript (probably The Commander Dances) - and maybe participate in NANO again...

And there is the aforementioned strong desire to get back to writing some short pieces. And maybe finishing that screenplay of UP (LOL, jesus, but vampires are so tired now, damn it). I've always said I could write 4 books a year with different voices, characters and themes, and obviously, I've never been able to do that. I've never seriously tried, either. Here we go...

Also, also, I'm thinking about my thesis and specifically the research portion which is to be at least, I believe, 25 pages ... I'm thinking along the lines of D.I.Y. in a "No, You Don't" World: Self-publication, FanFiction, and Me ... Thoughts??

Closing thought: Has graduate school given me the ability to talk about my work and WORK on my work at the same time? Only time will tell...
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Fucking everyone in my writer's group hated the title Anonymity in the Modern Age. But then they don't know where the book is going - and I don't either - I knew where it used to go, and I always thought the title fit, but then I realize I changed it to Unnamed because AITMA didn't fit, and NOW of course there has been a best-seller called Unnamed in the past three years so the next iteration of the book can't really be Unnamed, so ... ANYWAY

I got fucking wasted before, during, and especially after my writer's group workshop last night. I feel like death on a fucking stick today. FUCK. I can't stop saying fuck.

Loudly.

ETA ETA ETA Ogden based on Ferguson is the official most popular character in the piece. I'm rewriting him in first person an I guess it's working. Conversely, no one cares if my analogue, Paul, goes away. Funny that.
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Since I'm taking the year off to be a student, I figure I should have some goals.

So I do. It's just general sort of wellness/creativity goals, but it's good to have them.

I want to be sober more often for longer stretches of time.
I want to finish The Commander Dances, Anonymity in the Modern Age, AND Elegant BattleFace Teenagers.
I want to stop looking pregnant.
I want my lungs to stop rattling all the time.
I want to get a book deal.
I want to work on a film.
I want to go on dates with potential instead of sleeping with the same old suspects.
I want to devote more time to writing short fiction.
I want to get enough short fiction published to be eligible for the NEA grant.

...

I want to find someplace to live forever. I want to find someone to live with forever.

revelation

Jul. 26th, 2013 07:43 pm
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so I've had an epiphany and I am about to make a grand statement. it will pass. that said:

I have exquisite taste. I knowingly and intentionally like a lot of bad things, but when I deem something good I am absolutely right. I am not judgey james for no reason. I reserve the right to change my mind, but I'm at least a little bit inflexible in my opinions; swaying me to another way of thinking is possible but only the presentation of previously unknown facts.

I'm famous for having opinions about things about which I know next to nothing; movies I have not seen, books I have not read, etc. because I am part of the media elite when it comes to consumption of groupthink on a subject when I become interested in it. I knew that I would fall asleep watching The Tree of Life from the reviews before I actually fell asleep watching it. I'm good at these sorts of judgments.

but often my expectations are confounded: Saorise Ronan is a goddess, and I assumed because of this that the film of The Host, despite being adapted from a Stephenie Meyer book I found intolerable past about the tenth or twelfth page, would be good. I was so so wrong. I was so wrong that I almost think I had a stroke and died forever while watching it and I am in fact writing this blog post from the after life. SO BAD.

here's the epiphany part of things: there's no point in holding up a self-made object and going, here, I hope you like this, if you're (being I, being me) not sure you already like it. fucking approval, man. fuck that.

this isn't to suggest closing oneself off to a feedback loop. readers and editors are good, show you things you can't see about your work. if you think your work is doing some particular thing and three people outside of your head says it is not doing that thing, then you have more work to do so that the work does the particular thing you want to think it does - for it to work, you have to work, and a lot of that work can be letting other people into the process.

WHERE THAT PROCESS FAILS is doing work to be process proof. "tell me you like this."

I need to look at myself, my face forward to my work, and use that work as a mirror. and like what I see there. because I can do something about it if I don't like it. and only I can decide that there is something to be done there. maybe that's why I'm going back to the well.

I worry that I'm going back to the well because I have nothing else to write. I think we can say that is not fair or true. I have things, and I want to write. I want to write new things. I have #EBFT (and I cannot wait for that to be a trending hashtag on twitter, jesus). I will always have Lucas - he will fly through the night hunting motherfuckers again, oh yes, he lives.

I don't know, man. soberly (while drinking, obvs) I can say that Unnamed/Anonymity (I think I'm going to hastag it #AITMA for short now) is a fucking mess. I can see what it is missing, the life I didn't give it despite the richness of some of it. there are passages (and not the ones I'd historically loved, p.s.) where the imagination soars and the prose - line by line, there's a lot of sentences I wouldn't change, would, in fact, still write today if I'd never written it in the first place. I was going to post an example of something that made it into the new draft utterly unchanged. Whoops. I think I've edited every single line I've retyped. LOL

So instead I will post an example of something I think is dramatically better than the original document (of course it's one of the sex scenes, man they were gratuitous back then - they still are, but ... idk, more literary now - taking full advantage and trust in the knowledge EVERYONE at school is A-MAZE-D by my unflinching descriptions of sex and of peoples attitudes about sex - god bless you, Sara's Secret, thank you for, at least, that). So:

"In their bed she felt his body close to her for a moment, but knew he was still running. He was running down the streets that ran through her body. He sought some destination far within her that he could only reach through the action and exercise of fucking. His hips shifted up and down as he kept her legs spread wide beneath his piston thrusts, each one like a foot connecting with the sidewalk, the internal clack of the heel bone and the pressure shooting up through the spine. The kind of pounding that makes you shorter. When he’d run through her, he went to the sofa to sleep."

I think it's better, anyway. this is not a "here like this" although of course I like it if you like it. this is an "i like this". this is an I like that I can make things better. I like that I have great taste. I like that I can bust a cliché open because I know all the clichés. I like that I'm insular and self-referential and a fucking mess and a drunk and that I hate everything I do. Finally, the truth of the realization, what I'm paying my therapist to sit there and listen to me and not tell me:

I hate everything of mine that I hate because I know it's not very good. because I know that it's not up to my standards for something I would personally consume. the publication of Unnamed: the rough draft was to a degree mortification. I'm so glad I did it; as an art object and an experiment (hi ho, Ciro) it is a success and I think it is good. A messy, sloppy secondsy success. As a book, it is awful. just scenes and some good, rough prose that I'm glad has had a limited audience (although I'm pretty sure I'm going to make part of my - inevitable - book deal be the deluxe republication of the rough draft, for comparison. or possibly simply included as foot notes to the real thing, wouldn't that be fucking grand?)

But Anonymity in the Modern Age might yet manage to be good. I might not have to hate it. I might not have to hate myself because of it. I might even want to read it if I hadn't written it. It might live up to those standards. And those standards are mine, and they're the only ones that matter.

Like I said, this epiphany will pass.

If/then

Jul. 24th, 2013 10:25 pm
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If the first 31 pages of the original first draft of this novel totaled 7500 words or so, then in retyping/revising through that many pages (I'm on page 32 of the original document, page 45 in the new document) I've grown to around 11000 words.

If the ratio remains, then I'll end up shifting the book from almost exactly 50000 words to approximately 75000, which I will then cull back down almost certainly by about 10000 words. Or possibly grow by a further 10000.

Who can say.

So: This motherfucker might secretly hold a whole damn novel inside it.

Who knew.

I know you do and did. But for me. Revelatory.
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Who if anyone considers it worthwhile for me to actually be doing what I am doing at this time which is, actually, hilariously, rewriting UNNAMED (under the working title Anonymity in the Modern Age, which the intrepid reader may recall is the original name of Unnamed).

This rewrite is compulsive and propulsive. I don't know what to do to make the book perfect but in some ways I know exactly what to do to make it the book I always sort of meant it to be. But I sort of didn't exactly know how to do that until now. It's very strange this feeling.

I am doing this because one of my school buddies was like, man, if you wrote a novel, and there's anything about it that you actually like, why the fuck did you give up on it? And I was like

...

So I'm doing that. And sort of working on Elegant Battle Face Teenagers one agonizing realization of derivativity at a time. I hate read The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones over the weekend and I was SHOCKED and APPALLED to discover that (duh) a) I didn't invent drawing on oneself for super power reasons as an original thought and b) it was HARRY POTTER fanfic with the names and situations vaguely sort of find/replaced.

Not to mention that my hero in EBFT is basically a male Buffy with ranged rather than melee super powers. Not to mention that blah blah blah.

I really need to be a staff writer or editor where I can make other people's ideas better than they already are. I'm so repetitive. That said.

ANONYMITY IN THE MODERN AGE - that book has some dope shit it in it man. Cool.
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To complain about the weather.

But it is fucking hot as hell. And it smells like shit and sweat everywhere. Fuck New York in the summer. Fuck it in a walk in freezer.
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 yeah but only in the way it's supposed to be.

...

giving girls a real chance. JESUS. sorry kids. i'm an asshole.
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i am as prepared as i can be which is to say i feel entirely unprepared.

future: here i come.
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> writing: school work: tbd
> writing: gay y.a. novel: Elegant Battle Face Teenagers
> writing: romcom gay novel: Ideal Wait
> writing: romance novel (trilogy): Sense Memory, Muscle Memory, Blood Memory 
> writing:
> reading: school work: seminar:
E.M. Forster, Howards End (read)
Gertrude Stein, Three Lives
Jean Toomer, Cane
Ford Madox Ford, The Good Soldier
Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse (started)
Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita
Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart (started)
Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire
Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude
Angela Carter, The Bloody Chamber
Also: Kathy Acker (familiar), Rebecca Brown, Dennis Cooper (very familiar), Sam D'Allesandro, Brad Gooch (familiar), Robert Gluck, AmyHempel (familiar), Lynne Tillman, David Wojnarowicz, Junot Diaz
 
> reading: school work: workshop: TBD
> reading: seminar teacher: Dale Peck
> reading: workshop teacher: Stephen Wright
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to wound. i have come to.

JESUS

...

everything.

...






also, if you did not know. hiloartless.tumblr.com for gay porn and other things. 

100 pages

Mar. 21st, 2012 12:47 am
jbeauvert: (Default)
 
left in dhalgren which has given me a handful of erections (i am mostly reading the book at work because i don't give a fuck about work anymore, but where erections are ... awwwwwwwkward) and even more sense of what i actually could do (someday, maybe, if i learn to give a fuck about it) to unnamed to make it into a novel that is something like what i can do and what he did there.

and the comparison - the line drawn between the two (and i readded house of leaves to my 2012 reading list, i might communicate, because it is probably another [almost rudely] apt comparison) - is so so so intense to me. and i see where his works and mine doesn't and where what we're fascinated with aren't the same thing. i think delaney is concerned, somewhat-mostly, with the ways in which a person finds meaning within himself and unnamed (if not my writing as a whole) is about the ways in which people find meaning in other things, but this is all just surface level reflection and i'm not done with the book

(AND CIRO DO YOU REALIZE YOU GAVE ME THIS BOOK TWICE???????? I DIDN'T UNTIL I WAS LOOKING FOR BOOKS TO SELL AND THEN I WAS LIKE HOLY GEEZ I AM AN ASSHOLE)

...

i can feel the whole weight of my creative life shifting toward something where i can understand what the volume of it is by placing on my own internal scale. 

#iamawriter
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Read:
Jekyll & Hyde (INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA)
Frankenstein (god and the devil, BUT also THE SHIP CAPTAIN IS GAY FOR Dr. Frankenstein)
The Hunger Games / Catching Fire / Mockingjay (BETTER THAN TWILIGHT, yet, I sold them HPB and still own Twilight "saga" and will re-read Twilight "saga" and will always airquote "saga")
The Great Gatsby (AMAZING)

Reading:
Dhalgren (AMAZING)
Animal Farm (Like, 3 pages in)
Game of Thrones (Also, like, 3 pages in. 3 pages of the word "Sir" spelled "Ser" and there are reasons I don't read high fantasy, but I am going to push through this for teh oncoming gay)

On the list:
The Joy Luck Club
A Tale of Two Cities
Fight Club
The Blue Orchard (by the associate director of my writing program, what? It's never too early to kiss ass)
Queer
Huckleberry Finn
The Great and Secret Show
Wuthering Heights
Faggots
Dancer from the Dance

Open to suggestion:
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