Mar. 8th, 2012 08:39 am
jbeauvert: (Default)
is bullshit.

that is all.
jbeauvert: (Default)
 i am a sturdy person used to unconventional things and i want to unsee such a huge portion of the last part of my life that it is almost insane to think about how much. almost everything. almost it all.


Oct. 19th, 2011 11:12 am
jbeauvert: (Default)
 So quiet.
jbeauvert: (Default)
We Are Sex Bob-Omb 2:01 Sex Bob-Omb Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) [Deluxe Version] Soundtrack 5
Never Will Be Mine 4:17 Rye Rye Never Will Be Mine (The Remixes) [feat. Robyn] Electronic 1
Booty Call 3:28 G. Love and Special Sauce Friends With Benefits (Original Soundtrack) Soundtrack 2
We No Speak Americano 4:30 Yolanda Be Cool & Dcup We No Speak Americano - Single Dance 1
Helena Beat 4:36 Foster The People Torches Indie Rock 1
We R Who We R (Fred Falke Club Mix) 6:57 Ke$ha I Am The Dance Commander + I Command You To Dance: The Remix Album Pop
Papi 4:54 Jennifer Lopez Papi (Remixes) Dance
Obsessed 3:21 Mariah Carey Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel Pop
Collide 7:37 Leona Lewis & Avicii Collide (Remixes) Pop
Commander (feat. David Guetta) 3:38 Kelly Rowland Here I Am R&B/Soul 11
Lights (Bassnectar Remix) 5:03 Ellie Goulding Divergent Spectrum Electronic 2
Marry The Night (Zedd Remix) 4:21 Lady Gaga Born This Way [Disc 2] Pop
Ooh La La 3:24 Goldfrapp Supernature Alternative 13
Good Girls Go Bad (feat. Leighton Meester) 3:17 Cobra Starship Hot Mess (Deluxe Version) Alternative
Cardiac Arrest (feat. Robyn) 2:58 Teddybears Cardiac Arrest (feat. Robyn) - Single Alternative 7
Tainted Love / Where Did Our Love Go 8:57 Soft Cell 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: Best of the ’80s Rock
Valerie 3:39 Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse Version Pop 11
Think About It (7th Heaven Club Mix) 6:59 Melanie C Think About It (Remix & Video Version) - Single Pop
Ice Cream Truck (Frank Demaria Club Mix) [Bonus Track] 5:53 Cazwell Watch My Mouth (Deluxe Edition) Dance
Save the World (Radio Mix) 3:33 Swedish House Mafia Save the World - Single Dance 1
In the Dark 3:49 Dev In the Dark - Single Pop 1
Without You 3:28 David Guetta Feat. Usher Nothing But The Beat Dance & House
Call Your Girlfriend 3:47 Robyn Body Talk Dance 35
Love Will Never Do (Without You) 4:35 Janet Jackson Number Ones Pop
Pumped Up Kicks 4:00 Foster The People Torches Indie Rock
Raise Your Weapon (Radio Edit) 3:23 Deadmau5 Raise Your Weapon (Remixes) - EP Dance
A Million Stars (Myon & Shane 54 Summer of Love Intro Mix) 7:18 BT A Million Stars (Remixes) [feat. Kirsty Hawkshaw] Dance
Any Which Way 4:41 Scissor Sisters Night Work Pop 10
jbeauvert: (Default)
> Kanye West
> True Blood
> business plan
> manager training
> Game of Thrones
> Jay-Z
> Bon Iver
> Neko Case
> mixtape
> The Black Keys
> Deadmau5
> florida in t-minus ...


Mar. 23rd, 2011 01:21 am
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i signed up for nanowrimo's scriptwriting cousin script frenzy which starts on the fool's day.

foolish, i know.
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Watched the Oscars at friend Danny's house with a purple haze filling the room. Resultantly, show much funnier than it would have been. Sadly predictable. I was moved and exhilarated by Colin Firth mentioning Tom Ford in his speech. In a just world, This would have been Colin's second consecutive win, rather than his first.
jbeauvert: (Default)
i've been through some shit.
inescapable, inexcusable: i've taken some hits.
had the breath knocked into the wind
and let down another friend.
another would be lover
another inarticulate deception of myself.
felt the drama and the artifice confound me,
erase the pleasure with the pain,
scribbling out notes on the damage and the flames
of my name burning my face. a nod to my father,
a tip of the hat to to his dad,
my mother's father in there too
the name you know me by is his,
but i don't want it and i can't stand it
and i won't have it after the shit
i have wanted and stood and had.
i had the ability to make myself happy.
i had a moment where i was this-fucking-close-to-good,
and i let it slip away.
let the shit under the door,
poured the bleach down my throat,
and let it burn like the flames of my name:
burning my face. i've been through some shit.
i've taken some hits. gotten angry
and pissed gotten ragey and dissed
gotten small and combustive
and vaguely confrontive for no reason. i have no reason.
except i do. another would be hover
another elusive trick of the light
in the night where i don't know the name,
i just rub it on his face and he cries fuck yes
give me your name and i smear it on him,
like this,
with the name of my mother's father
with the flames burning my face, i tell you my name,
i tell you anonymous and close
and i hold you to my chest
and you feel the pressure press
and you want me to fuck you
because of my name.
i am named james.
jbeauvert: (Default)
She’s got rings on all the fingers of her right hand. On her left
there’s just her wedding band, she worries it around in circles.

He doesn’t know what’s wrong. So I talk to him and pour him a glass of
wine. He isn’t listening.

She says, “Come, come to Jesus.”

He says, “I already did.”

She says, “I don’t know what we’re doing, but I know it’s got to change.”

He says, “You’re right, but I don’t know how.”

She’s got her mind made up. I’m writing down ideas in my journal. Is
this the beginning of the end?

He sighs and he lights a cigarette. He’s lost a lot of weight. His
skin hangs on his face.

She drinks from her glass. She fidgets with the wedding band. She’s
looking at me like I’m someone else. She doesn’t know there’s a
difference between me and what she wants to run from. I don’t know
there’s a difference either.

He doesn’t look the same to me. He taps his pen on his journal. We’re
talking about this trip we’re on, but I’m talking on music, and he’s
just talking on fame. He doesn’t hear me say his name.

He says, “Come, come to my house.”

She says, “You should know by now I can’t.”

He says, “Yeah, I know that.”

She says, “Then why ask me to stay?”

I don’t know she’s leaving. I don’t know she’s moving on. I’m just
coming to Jesus.

I don’t know he’s staying. I’m just bringing him Jesus. Like he told
me I am running.

She says, “Come, come to Jesus, and I’ll sing your soul to sleep.
Come, come to Jesus, and just sing this hymn with me.”

Come, come to Jesus/Come, come to my house/This talk is almost over
Come, come to Jesus/Come, come to my house/This life is almost done
Come, come to Jesus/Come, come to my house/We’re finding the end
Come, come to Jesus/Come, come to my house/We’re done. We’re come. We’re gone.
Come, come.
jbeauvert: (Default)
Grief, real extravagant grief may be the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I say extravagant because like drapes and tapestries and silk scarves it covers and pads, muffles and mutes while simultaneously deepening and magnifying every single thing. I am swamped in emotional taffeta, tulle thicker than the air, drowning in a thickness of emotion I would have thought impossible in my small, jaded stupor a few months ago. Now I feel. Almost all of the time. And for all the coverage these are not gauzy feelings of soft lit candles and Rachmaninov, rather they are heavy woolen creations of misery and loneliness, and the lonelier I feel the more heavily barricaded in these emotions I become. I am disappearing even as in some ways I have been completely reborn by this grief. The emotional wretch is being replaced by an emotional wreck. And I can see no way through or out of these feelings.


Sep. 3rd, 2010 06:08 pm
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If you can, please, please make a donation in my father's name, Bevard Eugene Hargrave, to the Huntington's Disease Society of America.

This disease is the reason my father fell and the reason he could not live anymore.
jbeauvert: (Default)
so frustrated and freaked out. which probably means i'm better off not at work.

family. film. funds. etc.

a wing and a prayer.

but really. really.
jbeauvert: (Default)
my father is not well.

i don't know whether i've elaborated on this.

i think it is possible that he is rather less well than previously believed which would be ... very very not well ...

i want him to live just long enough to know that i produced a film.


for that to be true he just has to make it to September.


and that is even sadder for some reason.


Aug. 8th, 2010 04:04 pm
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because, i am still suspicious of drag u, even this far in, but the thing that bothers me even more than the fake-women-men telling real-women how to be women thing, is that Ms. Ru cannot apparently pronounce "faculty" and in fact says "fal-cut-y" everytime.

jbeauvert: (eyesoffballTW)
Please direct your attention to NE Florida and help if you can:

They call him Mr. Gou ...
jbeauvert: (mercykilling)
Buffy Season 8 comic is fanfic. That is canon. So. Whatever. Legal action is scary; fanfic is not illegal. Scariness will make anyone stop doing anything if it is scary enough. Legal action is scary enough. Do I think fanfic is the pinnacle of creative achievement, no. Do I think fanfic is the deathknell of culture as we know it? Hell no. Is it breaking the law for children on a playground to run around pretending to be Batman and Superman in full view of other children and adults? Is that not equally as horrible and creativity free? Should those children not instead make up their own superhero characters which would in no way be derivations like Batdude and Superguy which would in no way cross the line into full on plagiarism which is, as noted, something that is extremely taboo and basically verboten in fanfic communities? The internet is the playground - they can clearly be seen with their jackets around their necks billowing out behind them heroically, just as these authors - really children, creatively, many of them - are wandering around in their pjs and comfy jeans playing. You put your toys on the shelf, you cannot be mad that someone else wants to play with them. If you don't want to share, you don't have to publish. Would you be creatively fulfilled by not putting your stuff out there? Most of these authors are going to write something else one day and you're going to have helped make them better. How is that not good? How is that not the same as the creative writing student becoming a pale imitation of their mentor - bobbing where they weave, worshipping whom they worship. Come on. Really. This is a conversation in this day. If it weren't for fanfic - ok, and I want you to take this historically and do the legwork if you doubt me - if it weren't for Kirk/Spock, *there would never have been anymore Star Trek after the original series ended.* It's quantifiable what the fanfic community did for that series, and I'd imagine it's quantifiable what the fanfic community has done for you just as it is for Joss Whedon and Quantum Leap and Blake's 7 and Supernatural. These things are bigger and better because someone loved them so much that these episodes and these ideas were not enough for them - they needed more. How is that a bad thing? Think of the children. Adults can be children, too. Look at what I just wrote, replying in anger to a stranger talking about something that I'm not even involved in anymore. And yet I feel like this, shame on you, Diana Gabaldon. Shame. ETA: BTW, copyright law. AWESOME. If a fanfic author really did, especially if they had any skill at all working within a particular universe, what M(is)s(?) Gabaldon suggested, which was that they Find/Replace all borrowed/homaged character names with originally character names, THEN then Diana and JK and the BBC would really be able to sue the shit out of someone because THEN then the authors would have set wholly original creations loose that looked EXACTLY like the characters they were merely borrowing before - and then whose copyright is infringed upon? Then who is plagiarizing? WHO (not the doctor)! ANYWAY
jbeauvert: (Default)
why wasn't the whole show this good? why didn't they just start in the epitaph verse and build it backwards? why? why joss why?

i am crying so hard it is stupid. i honestly. honestly.

no one is fans with me anymore. and i feel so much that no one is a fan of me. and i feel like echo: always alone. but i'm not. i tell people things. i say things to people and i am honest and open and why?


i'm so tired. so tired of being competent and work and all of the things that people expect me to be every day. i want to be other. i want to be unexpected. and exceptional. and every other day. i want to be so much more.

i want to see so much more.

lately, i feel as though i only go on here or facebook or twitter or to the local semi-decent open mic when i want to sell things and that's partly true.

i've really seriously deeply come to resent the idea that i have friends - friends i love, adore, have worked with, had sex with, made memories with, lived with, admire, respect, have met, shared ideas with - that will have nothing to do with me without the internet as a barrier.

what has happened to human communication?

so i ride the zeitgeist. i do it. i don't care what anyone says. so when is this backlash i feel gonna go mainstream. i ride the zeitgeist. it fucking sure as hell will.

jbeauvert: (Default)

So. Waiting for guy to fix my hot water heater and then will go wait to have my tires checked and then will go to take deposits on my day off and then will go to mom's house and giver some of the cell phone money I owe our family plan and then will come home again and do nothing but listen to Soldier of Love by Sade which is my new favorite song (also Need You Now by Lady Amtebellum and 1901 by Phoenix) and plan my world take over. I might practice spotting on my turns as well as work on my en crois.

Meanwhile all three of my books are now available on Imagine my chagrin when I searched last night and instead of finding Unnamed: the rough draft, I found out that an author with a pretty famous first novel just published his second novel in January (about two weeks before I actually comitted to publishing my novel) and his novel is called The Unnamed. Blow. But maybe it will help my sales. Also, there are digital footprints all over the interwebs proving I had planned to publish as Unnamed for at least a year and a half so if someone cease and desists me I can at least prove something and then sue for damages. Lol. I know I wouldn't be able to sue, but damn. It just figures. I'm always right there on the zeitgeist. This is just exhibit G of me being not quite fast enough on the stick again.

Anyway, got a tax refund or some babysitting money lying around? Then please hit up Amazon and search for James Hargrave in department Books and purchase Unnamed: the rough draft, Love Letters from Hell, and/or Live Nude Poetry.

And as thanks I will continue to practice spotting on my turns.

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jbeauvert: (Default)
Love Letters from Hell is available now! Following Live Nude Poetry, it marks my second book of poetry, this time all new, none culled from the dark recesses of my attempts to write poetry. So, where it's bad, it's new bad, and where it's good, it's new good (and where it's new good, it's VERY good).

That is all for now.

Unnamed is coming SOON!

Et cetera

Jan. 15th, 2010 09:44 pm
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And I feel the death of the angel's wings
No more beating upon me
Their dusky rythym.

No more do I nurture the greater heaven
No more do I belong to the beat of the earth.

Her wisdom escapes my clumsy grasp
And through my fingers slips
The detritus of another one night stand.

Yesterday is gone. Complaints arise. The earth quakes. Et cetera. Ad nauseum.

I burn. A fire approaches my lips and little love letters from hell fall around my feet.

It is raining.

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