Jan. 3rd, 2016

jbeauvert: (Default)
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

This is a horrible question and I don’t know how to answer it. I think, and I probably have done it before, but it was never as meaningful to me as it was this time, that I fell in love with someone the first time I met them, practically before they had spoken. That we had a charming date which hadn’t begun as a date, enjoying conversation, drinks, chemistry until the very end, making out - perfectly - against the side of my car on Exposition. And then failing to see each other ever again following a string of perpetually more, and more dispiriting text messages. His name was Dylan. He may come up again here. BUT the point is that, rather than simply being an event, it was also an EVENT. A reawakening. It’s not an overstatement to say that I was in love. What is really, really unusual about that is that I genuinely felt before him that I was done with the ability to love, that it was outside of my peculiar set of emotional availabilities. That I would never really love someone again. The first song I heard on the radio after I got in the car from making out with him was “Hallelujah” by Panic! At the Disco. I hadn’t heard it before (or since, tellingly, on the radio, except, obviously I bought it on iTunes). Check it out.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

What’s a new year’s resolution? Also, no, no, I didn’t. This year is a little different. Things are building. As in I’m doing the work.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One very important person to me got knocked up. Another wife of an important person to me got knocked up. Births forthcoming.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

There were a couple of deaths in 2015 that punched me in the gut. I wasn’t particularly close to either person who died, rather I was a friend of or close to a friend or lover of the deceased.

Chris: the best friend of my friend Ian in Brooklyn. I had worked with Ian at MoSEX, and he was an alum of NonFic at New School, and we were pretty solid drinking buddies and Twitter retweeters and whatever. He found his best friend/roommate dead in bed in June (I think on the 24th, which I’ll talk about later). I still don’t know the story. I know that Chris’ mom (who lives in Jersey) got to the apartment before the coroner, so there was a long time alone in an apartment with the inexplicably deceased body of a soul-mate-level person. This reminded me in many ways of Sarah’s sudden death from 2012, and I wished immediately that I could have been there and just like kept my hands over Ian’s eyes for the duration.

Eric: the husband and best friend of my friend Tony in Chicago. This one I can’t really talk about what it feels like. I love Tony. I hadn’t met Eric. They’d had a long couple of years of first Eric announcing a desire to move out and divorce, Tony trying to grieve a relationship and move on physically and sexually and emotionally, followed by a brain cancer diagnosis that explained why after 20+ years (they got together in college!!!) his husband had turned on him. And then having to forgive himself for. And take care of. And then. It’s really too much for one person. Eric passed in December, before Christmas. Tony seems to be doing ok. We text everyday.

5. What countries did you visit?

‘Murica. Also, America, a couple of times. But mostly I was stuck in ‘Murica.

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

Financial stability.

7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 24. The day Ian’s friend died.

August 3. The day I started the best job I ever had - in Dallas.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I got a job. I work for Nerium International Corporate. Nerium is an MLM/Relationship Marketing company that hawks a controversial anti-aging cream. I can’t really go into that because I try not to think about it too much. It was a rough start as a job. I am a receptionist/admin person, which is an historically female profession so for the first few weeks it was either: the men walking through ignored me completely, or looked at me aghast as if to say your vagina is not big enough. But that settled through, or was mostly in my mind, and I’ve become a fixture - a contested fixture even: several teams in marketing and sales intend to poach me as soon as possible (I have one month more to go before I’m eligible to change jobs in house, and I’m going to, almost the moment possible). I’ll go to another position not because I dislike my current role, but because I could make a shit ton more money in another role. And remember financial stability? Yeah, I want it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Living in a house with a roommate, working freelance, working in the service industry. I learned a lot from these things, but in the end, I’m back in my sister’s dining room. Though she had doors installed for me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Stress related candida/yeast battles, the kind I was supposed to be done with after I got my tonsils out and stopped taking antibiotics constantly. But starting actually in August 2014 having some pretty sweet sex with someone I was seeing with whom I should have been using condoms, but wasn’t (and fortunately didn’t catch anything else from), my dick has basically been a non-stop yeast factory, which successfully prevented me from having a typically slutty 2015. I’m not even sure I fully remember what actual sex is like now. LOL

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Clothes. And a good work lamp. Also a bottle of Veuve Clicquot for New Year’s. That was a good ass bottle.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Tony and Ian, two people who have very different lives, but have actually met once, and their ways through their respective griefs have left me awed and honored to know them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The internet. White people. Neo-cons. Neo-libs. The offense brigade. Everyone. Everyone.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To creditors, and also K&G men’s superstore, and Kohl’s. I bought a lot of clothes this past fall.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

No.

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?

“Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier.

ii. thinner or fatter?

Thinner. Which doesn’t weigh, but is in the fit of my clothes and the look of my face. I’ve lost maybe 15 pounds over the course of the last six months, but my clothes size has changed from pushing 40” waists to almost almost 34” waists. I have learned that upsizing to 2x shirts is my way forward though LOL

iii. richer or poorer?

I don’t know how to answer this. Make more money, owe more money. Fuck money. I really just want a fat windfall.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Sex, but then, I couldn’t really so.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

I’d say drinking, but I actually feel that I drank a fully appropriate amount most of the time. And much, much less once I moved back into my sister’s house.

20. How did you spend the holidays?

I went to my mom in Pensacola for Thanksgiving and had venison lasagna, and tried rabbit, and did not touch turkey and had lots of weird white trashy dishes like onion pie and it was good.
Christmas was awful. Just the worst. Christmas eve had Lloyd and Megan and Lloyd’s sister and

Lloyd’s girlfriend (and my dental hygienist Monica and her awful African boyfriend) over to marathon the original trilogy Star Wars. I got fucking wasted because of Monica’s boyfriend and passed out halfway through A New Hope, which everyone else finished and then left the house (and all the lights on) and I woke up at 2:00 AM to an empty bright hell.

Christmas Day went to see The Force Awakens with Lloyd(‘s sister & gf) and it was ok. But then I was in a terrible mood from The Force Awakensover of it all, and went home and cried a lot. Like a lot.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Girlfriends Guide to Divorce, Casual, You’re the Worst, Horrible People, Grey’s Anatomy, Game of Thrones, Supergirl, Flip or Flop, Property Brothers, Chopped, Daredevil, Jessica Jones

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Yes and no. Several friend relationships went sideways on me last year in really inexplicable ways, but I think they’re being worked out? Whatever, grains of salt all around.

25. What was the best book you read?

Horns by Joe Hill. The Scarlet Gospels by Clive Barker. She-Hulk by Charles Soule & Javier Pulido.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Tie: Future Islands, which have been around for a while; Chris Stapleton, who I guess has also been around forever.

FI’s lean, retro, pop-rock is from heaven. CS’s lean, retro, blues-country is from hell. Both are angelic.

27. What did you want and get?

A job I don’t hate.

28. What did you want and not get?

A lover.

29. What was your favorite film this year?

Movies are just not what they used to be. I can’t remember them as well after seeing them. Recent things that made me pretty happy: Tangerine, Mala Mala, Eastern Boys, Ant-Man, What Happened, Miss Simone?, Amy

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

No memory of this occasion.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Physical love. So lame.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

Off-work: asymmetrical retro-futurism. Or as my friend described my favorite hoodie: “Your sith lord cape.”

On-work: dapper as fuck.

33. What kept you sane?

Weekly Geeks Who Drink Trivia at the Alamo Drafthouse. They kept me from hermitizing myself completely and forgetting how to socialize with the straights.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Stephen Colbert and Jennifer Lawrence

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Domestic terrorism.

36. Who did you miss?

Amie in Brooklyn. Mila in Ohio. Tony in Chicago. The Faienzas in Pescara.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I work with this delightful person named Sandra who is so effusive and genuine that she just makes me happy.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.

That I can do it. But that there are caveats. If I tell someone I’m working on something (god, how many times have I thought I’d learned this lesson before? Just, ugh), it dies. Like, I can say “I’m working on a novel.” That’s fine. Questions like: “How much have you written? Is it going well?” are fine. Questions like: “What’s it called? What’s it about?” lead to the end of days.
NO MORE, JAMES. NO MORE.

39. Quote a song that sums up your year:

“I had a one way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don't change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you're taught to cry into your pillow
But I survived
I'm still breathing…
I'm alive…”
“Alive” - Sia

January 2016

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